3 Mistakes Parents Make & How to Fix Them

As tutors, we get pulled into all the messiness and stress of parenting often. Initially, we are called upon to help solve a clear external problem. Your child is struggling in school, feeling discouraged, and losing motivation by the day. Below are three common parenting mistakes we observe. Then we follow up with our model of growth and how it will solve these issues.

1. Anxious Reactions

We have all been there. Something unexpected happens. A bad grade. A missed assignment. Refusal to do homework. Although we are adults and have developed far beyond our children; we respond out of our own underlying fears. Rather than behaving like a calm, hopeful, non-anxious presence, we respond hastily allowing our kids to control the emotional state of the situation. This can lead to a cycle of negative behavior and strained relationships. This pattern of reactivity fails to address the root causes, focusing solely on short-term solutions instead of fostering long-term growth.

2. Inconsistent Consequences

The second mistake follows closely on the heels of the first. Inconsistent consequences undermine a child's sense of accountability and understanding of boundaries. When we fail to enforce consistent consequences for our child's actions it fosters emotional turbulence rather than stability. Well into young adulthood our kids will struggle to grasp the connection between their behavior and the outcomes if we do not have a clear plan and execute it consistently. If we fail to do this as parents it hinders the child’s development and ability to develop a sense of responsibility. Inconsistent consequences can also erode trust between parents and children. Without consistency, children perceive rules as arbitrary rather than designed to guide their development.

3. Fixating on Problems

The last problem emerges when the first two begin to repeat creating a vicious cycle. Fixating on the problems inadvertently amplifies negative behavior and discourages positive change. When academic issues become a daily topic of conversation it fundamentally changes the parent-child relationship. The repeated attention on your child's shortcomings and lack of performance in school erodes a healthy identity. This creates a tidepool of negativity where the child begins to feel defined by their mistakes. Thus, eroding their self-esteem and further inhibiting their motivation to improve.

There is Hope and a Path for Growth!

As tutors and parents the fundamental thing we need to realize is that grades and school are never just about performance. For children, academics are a fundamental source of identity construction. Our children look to their school, their grades, their peers, and their teachers to answer the questions: Who am I? What am I good at? And who gets to say? This means they are subconsciously surveying and looking for feedback at all times. So when things start going bad, it is never just about the grade.

The beautiful news is that children are flexible, adaptable, and can always change! As long as your child has a few healthy attachments with family, friends, and some mentoring figures they will not get stuck. At Thrive we train our tutors in a simple framework for development and growth that we call the “Educational Pyramid of Needs.” The diagram plays off of American Psychologist Abraham Maslow’s theories of motivation based on tiers of needs. Check out the diagram below and we will define these terms. This framework helps both tutors and parents create a clear plan for support and growth.

Hands This is the foundation of executive functioning skills that a maturing child needs to learn. These are practical skills like organization, study skills, sleep patterns, exercise, diet, and technology usage. Developing these baseline skills is essential for keeping up with the increasing surface area of responsibility!

As Tutors

It is really important that we come in and support the child’s Head by teaching and helping them succeed in the classroom. While it is only solving the external problem it does provide healthy feedback for them to gain confidence and a healthy sense of identity. However, it is equally important that we target the child’s Hands by teaching them skills and habits that will sustain their growth by empowering them.

Finally, we have found that these efforts will only stick and produce lasting change if children know we truly care about them and prove worthy of their trust. It is through building friendship and trust that we also get the privilege to directly speak into their Heart. Our tutors are trained to end every session by looking into their student’s eyes and speaking encouragement to them. This may only take one minute, but it is the most important minute of the whole session. Thus, our tutors use tutoring to develop the child from the top down and coaching techniques to lay foundations from the bottom up. The end result is a more resilient and confident child.

As Parents

You get to participate in this same process of growth from a completely different role. You no longer have to bear the weight of doing all of this alone. You get to focus on the bottom two levels of the pyramid. Do your part to create a consistent plan with clarified boundaries and consequences in the areas of homework, sleep, exercise, diet, and technology use.

With a plan in place, there will be no need to commit mistake number one of an anxious reaction. Failure is by design part of the growth process and your child learning to take responsibility for their choices. The consequences are laid out beforehand (perhaps even with your child’s input) so mistake number two is solved. Finally, with these in place instead of dwelling solely on problems, you will get to engage you’re kids in more constructive ways. All the while knowing that by showing them your love even when they fail you are building their resilience to overcome the obstacle the next time.

American educator and philosopher John Dewey once said “The self is not something ready-made, but something in continuous formation through choice of action.” Remember that no child is ever stuck if they have an adult who believes in them.